Home for the Holidaze
by desraewilson
Summary: Alternate Universe. Buffy is just a regular girl living in Sunnydale during the holiday season still in love with her ex Angel. She's stuck in a bit of a daze and denying her feelings.
1. Preview

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own any of the characters folks.

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** I am going through a divorce and I'm finally allowed to write again. It has been a while for me so I'm a bit rough around the edges. I was inspired by the holiday lights in my own sleepy little town. This is an alternate universe. Buffy is not the slayer nor is anyone that she knows of.

* * *

 **Chapter One**

The drive was silent but the background noise was not. Christmas tunes were still playing on the radio despite it only being just a few short hours until Christmas would officially end. In the small town, Christmas lights, bows, and wreaths still decorated the town hall and the adjacent police station. The sleepy little town was coming back to life after a quiet holiday. Gas stations that had been closed were full of customers daring to journey out on Christmas night.

Sighing to herself, Buffy pushed a piece hair out of her face. Christmas hadn't been her favorite holiday in quite sometime, but despite that she knew she'd miss all of the lights. The lit up decorations clinging to each electric pole through the town gave it character. Without them, the town would lose some of it's beauty. It wasn't the gifts or the food she had stuffed herself with, Buffy enjoyed the lights. Something about the lights moved something within her.

All holidays had seemed to lose their glamour to her. It wasn't that she was the Christmas Grinch. She just found herself somewhere in the middle. Buffy didn't looked forward to the holidays, but she didn't complain. Her role was played effortlessly. She sang carols, baked cookies, and exchanged gifts. All in all ... Christmas had been fine. Many would say good. It was simply a success. Just a success.

Surrounded by family and friends, Buffy enjoyed herself. She really did. The trick had been to stay in the moment and to stay busy. After all of the Christmas Eve and Christmas celebrations, she gathered her things and had began her journey back to her own quiet home. There would be no children, minimal decoration, and the need to keep her mind occupied.

Allowing her stepfather, Giles, to drive her home did not make it easy. He said nothing. The music played softly and the two rode in complete silence. She had no idea what he was thinking. Buffy only knew that she'd miss the lights once the town removed them and it would be the only thing she would miss about the holiday season. The other thing she knew was that it was dangerous to wonder. It was very dangerous to allow her mind to wonder what if or why.

Staring out at all of the lights, Buffy silently said to herself, "Don't defend him. Don't make excuses for him. He hurt you. You gave him everything." And before her mind could make a list she had already thought of mailing to him, she shook her head no. It was best not to come up with a timeline of how she had always been there and not once had he had appreciated it or returned the favor. He knew what happened. He didn't care. At the end of the day, it was best not to miss him. Everything had been lie.

Back to observing the lights, Buffy knew life would be much easier to embrace once the holidays ended. She could lock herself in her house for a week and no one would notice. No one would notice because they'd be returning back to the hustle and bustle of the workforce and trying to clean up after the holidays had left debris of wrapping paper, gift boxes, bags, and tape in it's wake.

Upon arriving home, Buffy searched for the dark mark she had scribbled on her set of keys to unlock the deadbolt before moving onto the next lock. The house was cold. She had turned down the heat before leaving. Hanging up the keys, Buffy sighed. She hadn't even said goodbye to her stepfather. Door shut behind her, she considered cleaning up, but then quickly decided against it. Yeah, no one would notice her absence because everyone would be too busy to look for it. Striping off her holiday attire, Buffy climbed beneath the knitted throw on her couch.

It was her last chance to watch the holiday movies that would continue until the last ended around or at twelve. Foregoing the Hallmark channel, Buffy made the decision to just relax and rest her eyes. All the holiday movies were the same. Minimal drama, cute moments, romance, big predictable ending. Groaning, Buffy snuggled more beneath the cover. Maybe she was a Christmas Grinch. Maybe she just wasn't as Grinchy as the rest of the Grinches.

The thought made her groan even more. That was her life. Somewhere stuck in the middle ...

Loneliness creeping inside of her, she found herself even more in the middle. She could have stayed at her parents house and wore out her welcome. She only chose to go home because she was honestly tired of human interaction. And so she put herself in the middle ... She didn't want to be lonely and alone, but she also didn't want to be surrounded by family and friends. They were just reminders of her lifestyle. Nothing was too disastrous and nothing was over the top. Her lack of drive was noticeable to her, but she wondered if it was AS noticeable to her family and friends. She definitely wasn't the same Buffy.

SAFE. That's what she called herself. No boyfriend. No risks. No children. Simple nine to five job. Not that much of a social life. No pets. No plants. No responsibility. It was just her. She was the sister, the aunt, the daughter, the friend. She didn't even feel like Buffy. She just felt like a role in the holiday season... In every season really.

Dozing off, Buffy's last thoughts were of Angel and how two am had to be the loneliest hour. It was the easiest time to miss him.


	2. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own any of the characters folks.

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** Quick chapter dedicated to Allison117. Read and review. Reviews help inspire me to keep going and remind me to write and not get caught up in other things. Just think ... reviews are email notications directly to my phone that say, hey girl remember to write.

* * *

 **Chapter One**

Waking up, Buffy sleepily searched for her phone. How long had she been asleep? Groaning, she realized her phone was completely dead. She hadn't charged it. Hell she hadn't done a damn thing except sleep. Fiddling with the iPhone, Buffy realized it was completely dead. To charge it or not charge it? Peaking out of one eye, she noted how far the outlet was. Closing her eye, she shook her head no as if she actually needed to answer herself. Nope. It was just too far. Despite the pain that crept up in her body upon waking, she stayed on the couch recliner and didn't move. Eyes fully closed, the phone was dropped back to the arm of the couch and Buffy soon found sleep again. If the phone was dead, it meant she didn't have to see what time it was or check any of her notifications. Checking those notifications would only be a reminder of the outside world and her need to take part in it. She couldn't risk anyone seeing her be active online. They'd start a conversation, ask what she was doing, and where would that get either one of them? She didn't want to lie and explain why she was still in bed so she kept her phone off and went back to sleep.

Hours later, Buffy woke one more time. Her stomach rumbled signaling she hadn't eaten since early on at the Christmas party. Food could wait. She still felt tired. She needed more sleep. The pattern went on for the next two days. She had no real appetite the following day. The hunger faded. She just still felt really tired. By the third day, Buffy found the excuse she needed. Her head hurt. The logical part of her brain should have spoke up and said it was due to too many sleep and not enough food, but the logical part of her mind was still sleeping. Throw wrapped around her, Buffy literally tumbled into bed. Burrowing into the pillows and beneath the comforter she was her own voice of reason. "My head hurts. I must be sick." Phone still dead and left in the other room, Buffy groaned. "I'm probably coming down with something." Yawning, Buffy fell asleep once more. Maybe she could just sleep through the head cold she had to be coming down with.

* * *

It was four days in when one of her friends finally found the time to come check on her. Willow stood over the sleeping Buffy. She had felt like she had knocked for thirty minutes before letting herself in the with the spare key. What she didn't expect to find was dishes in the sink from before Christmas, take out boxes since before Christmas scattered throughout the living room, and a sleeping Buffy in the bedroom.

She could here the sound of Buffy' soft snoring so she knew she was still alive. Easing down on the bed, she would have guessed otherwise from the smell. She stunk. She stunk like someone who hadn't bothered to get out of bed for days to show or bathe. Willow held her breath and shook Buffy. "Buffy, are you ok?"

From beneath the tangled blonde hair, Buffy peaked out at Willow. "I'm sick." But she wasn't. Maybe mentally. Physically no. Coughing, Buffy hoped it would sell the story. She could see that Willow bought it just by the concerned look on her face.

"Well get up, get a shower. You stink. We'll go get soup." Willow nudged her again, a stern look on her face.

Groaning, Buffy turned her face into the pillow. The world had found her just short of a week. Why couldn't they have waited? "Fineeee." Using every bit of her strength, Buffy pushed hers up off the bed. "I'm going." Her only response from the red head was a small smile.

* * *

Stripping out of her undergarments, Buffy climbed into the steaming shower and had to admit it felt good at first. It was hot enough to soothe her hurting muscles, but too hot for her mentally. She felt herself panic. She couldn't remember how to relax. Panic crept up inside of her. She couldn't breathe. It was just too hot. She felt way too hot. The panic rose as she tried to calm herself. Sliding the glass door open with a bang, Buffy leapt out of the shower. She felt dizzy. Wrapping the towel around her she realized she had only washed her body.

There was no way she was returning to the shower. Wiping the mirror down, she opted for baby powder. A combination of deodorant, perfume, and baby powder would do the trick. Brushing baby powder through her roots, Buffy was satisfied with it pulling the oil from her hair making it look clean and giving it a nice smell. Hair twisted into a messy bun and face void of makeup, Buffy found Willow already waiting for her in the living room. She noticed out of the corner of her eye that Willow was cleaning. Part of her wanted to explain the mess, but the rest of her didn't give a shit. If she wanted to clean that was her deal.

Entering her room, Buffy grabbed comfortable boots and a sweat outfit. They were already baggy on her from her having lost so much weight. It only made them more comfortable to her. They kept her warm. They were like her covers. Fully dressed, she briefly wondered if the sweats were clean. Just to be sure, she found a bottle of Febreeze sitting on her dresser. It did say fabric. Spraying it on her clothes, she left the room to find Willow. The growling of her tummy actually had her looking forward to the soup.

* * *

Packing the last take out box in the trash bag, Willow looked up to see Buffy. She had heard the shower but Buffy's hair was completely dry. At least she was dressed and up. Willow had to give her that much. Smiling again, Willow spoke. "Alright, let's go get that soup and get you to feeling better."  
Not saying a word, Buffy locked up and followed her out. And just like that, they were on their way.  
Another passenger in someone else's car, Buffy noticed the sleepy town of Sunnydale had yet to take down the decorations. People were still clinging to the last bit of beauty of the Christmas season. She smiled to herself weakly. At least she wasn't the only one. Disappointed that it was day, Buffy longed to see the lights, but soon decided that knowing others possibly felt the same was somehow just a tad bit comforting.

The drive wasn't long enough to even wonder so she was safe. Their favorite spot was just around the corner. Buffy knew how long it'd take by car and by foot. She and Angel had been frequent customers. Sometimes they enjoyed the menu items there, but most of the time Angel had surprised her with it by bringing it home. But Buffy knew better. Willow wanted her out of the bed and out of the house. Neither had to speak to know that much.  
Upon arriving, Buffy climbed out of the car and listened to her friend talk about how much she had enjoyed the holidays. Buffy heard her, but if asked, she probably wouldn't remember. Buffy felt like she was stuck in the same daze she had been in since he had left.

* * *

The occasional nod and mhm, yep, were given just to keep Willow talking. Maybe if Willow kept talking, she wouldn't have to.

Eyes already scanning the crowd, Buffy couldn't help it. She looked for him. He was supposed to be long gone to Los Angeles. She knew better than to actually look for him. She knew better than to think about him. What good would it do? And yet, as her friend babbled on with not being able to decide on which soup to get, Buffy's emerald eyes searched for him. Feeling the crowd move up as they ordered and stepped aside, Buffy moved forward as well. Her eyes were still on the crowd when she felt the counter bump against her chest.

Hitting the counter wasn't what create the pang of hurt in her heart, it was the several different dark jackets and tall builds that create illusions for her to fall for. Ordering almost mutely, Buffy handed her card to the cashier, but felt Willow push her hand down. Willow was paying. It was her treat. A simple thank you and Buffy found herself following the instruction of take your seat and we'll bring it out to you. Doing just that, Buffy caught Willow's red hair out of the corner of her eye.

"HM? Wills?"

"Buffy, are you okay? You seem really ..."

Before Willow could continue, Buffy stopped searching the crowd. "Yeah Wills, I just don't feel good is all."

It seemed to be all the reassurance that her friend needed and Buffy lightly engaged in the rest of their conversation while waiting for their soups.

Buffy could smell the soup just before it came to the table. It wasn't the typical waitress or waiter. The attire looked that to be of a manager of some sort, someone way above service level. Had it really been that long?

"I would just like to apologize for the inconvenience of the soup taking so long. We'd like to offer our ..."

Buffy's head lifted as everything registered just in time for her friend to go completely mute. Stealing a glance at Willow to see if she was seeing it too, the deer in the headlights look was the only confirmation she needed.

"Buffy..." The way he breathed her name even in the midst of his surprise caused her stomach to tangle. Was he real?

"Angel?" Why was he there? Why was he there apologizing for the soup when he had so many other things to apologize for? Why was even there at all?!

The same panic that entered her in the shower slowly came full force. Buffy felt like she would pass out.  
Shoving the chair back, Buffy fled from the restaurant without another word and without a glance back.  
Willow looked up at her old friend and then back in the direction of her best friend before finally back at him again.

"Care to explain while you just show up here like you own the place?"

Angel laughed dryly even though the situation wasn't at all funny. Rubbing the back of his neck, he sighed. "Because I do."


	3. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER:** I don't own any of the characters folks.

 **AUTHOR'S NOTE:** So the reviews inspired me to post a third chapter today. I hope you enjoy it. Yes, it's definitely B/A fiction. Is there anything else? (=

I already had this written, but reviews discouraged me from posting. I got a semi-negative and semi-postiive review all in one and decided to post it. I'm going through a divorce and I have an autistic son so things tend to get to me. I apologize for making everyone wait!

* * *

 **Chapter Two**

There was one thousand other things she could be doing instead thinking of Angel. The dishes ... the dishes even sounded more appealing than thoughts of Angel. And yet there she was sitting in her living room thinking of Angel. Her mind couldn't even process it. Had she been set up? The memory replayed in her mind for what felt like the ump-teenth time. No. Willow had looked just as surprised as she had felt. She would know that look of surprise on anyone. Willow was innocent.

Willow was innocent, but that didn't mean Angel was. Knees pulled up to her chest, Buffy thought back to the look Angel's face. His mirrored the look on Willow's face. Pure surprise. And why was he surprised anyways? It was 'her' town. He was supposed to be in Los Angeles! He was supposed to be in 'his' city and she was supposed to remain in hers. It was an unspoken agreement. Hell, in her mind it was a rule. How dare he!

How dare he enter 'her' town .. how dare he walk up to 'her' table ... and how dare he have the audacity to look surprised!

Practically growling to herself, Buffy felt the shock turn into anger. Just who in the hell did he think he was... The thought of marching down to his restauranr and giving him a piece of her mind crossed her thoughts for a moment. But then, she had to be brave for that. And even in her anger, Buffy no longer felt brave. Any courage she possessed had long faded away.

The sound of a chicken clucked through her mind and she just decided to not cross the road and see what was on the other side. She knew what would be waiting for her and she wasn't ready.

Feeling like a prisoner in the home she had formerly found solitude in, Buffy blamed Angel for the trapped feeling. She blamed Angel for everything. Just how was she going to go out and about ... not that she had planned on leaving for the next few days anyway.

Curtains drawn, blinds down, doors locked ... she didn't know if she was more a prisoner or just hiding. It had to be a combination of both somehow.

Wondering why Willow hadn't called, Buffy frowned to herself. Was she talking to him? She was supposed to be on her side. Even in her fit, Buffy knew Willow had always played Switzerland in their fighting. Friends of both, Willow never had once chosen sides. Secretly, that killed Buffy. She needed people to believe her, but claimed she didn't care if they did nor didn't. Angel and she knew the truth even if he was living a lie.

Trying to think back to where she placed the phone, her frowned deepened. She hadn't charged it, but she had taken it to the restaurant anyway. Searching her the pocket of her sweats, Buffy came up cold.

What color she had left drained from her cheeks as she paled completely. The restaurant.

Please Willow have my phone.

Pushing herself off the couch, Buffy knew she wouldn't know if the red head had in fact grabbed her phone or not because she couldn't call and ask her. She couldn't call the restaurant to check either.

Just great. Perfect end to an already shitty day.

* * *

Grabbing her keys to her home, Buffy sighed loudly to the open room. She would have to unlock herself from lockdown before locking the place again so she could leave. Ironic really.

Preparing herself for the walk to the electric chair, Buffy left her home and headed in the direcion of the restaurant. Yes, she definitely felt like she was on her way to the electric chair and didn't even get to eat her last meal.

Entering the restaurant, she knew her friend had long gone. Most people were ordering soup to go home with as the restaurant prepared to close for the night. Small towns with small populations meant less business at night. Restaurants usually closed earlier than most would assume.

Looking around, Buffy saw employees putting the chairs on the tables. Had she really been gone that long?

"Wouldn't know, don't have my phone." Buffy mumbled to herself as she made her way to the counter.

Before the young girl could speak, Buffy took the opportunity to. "Have you found a phone? Well, not you specifically, but ... I lost my phone here today. Has anyone turned it in or has anyone found it?"

"I don't think so mam, but I can look for ..." The young lady was silenced by the tall figure coming to stand behind her.

"I'll take care of this Brionna. Go ahead and clock out for the day."

Buffy never noticed the girl leave or do anything else for that matter. Her eyes were locked on Angel. She lost the nerve to speak.

"Can I help you, Buffy?" Angel knew why she was there. He had noticed the phone right after she had left. Pocketing the phone, he came up with the idea to use it to see her instead of giving it to Willow to give to her. He wanted her to come looking. He knew it was a dangerous idea, but something in him needed her to.

Lowering her eyes, she felt the cowardness creep inside of her. She felt like a stupid girl with a stupid crush. She felt fourteen and really small.

Buffy hated the way he made her feel. She didn't use to though.

The moment she broke eye contact Angel felt a loss. It was like it literally effected him.

Forced to be reminded of what he was once told her, she could hear his voice like he had just said it. Back then she didn't catch it. She didn't realize how wrong it sounded. He was older and more experienced. She was innocent and young. Buffy gave him every bit of her.

 _I can make you laugh and I can make you cry just like that. All in the same moment. I can bring you down and bring you back up._

As a young girl in love, she didn't realize how messed up it sounded ... how controlling and possessive it was. He had craved power and control and with her he had it absolutely.

Not looking at him, Buffy finally found her voice. "I need my phone Angelus. I left it here."

A chuckle forced her to look at him. What was so funny?

"Government name then, Buff?" Angel used the nickname she hated on purpose just as she used the full verison of his middle name that he hated.

"What do you want me to call you? What does it matter? Liam? Angelus? Mr. O'Connor? What?" Buffy spat out, sick to death of how easily he got to her ... of how much control he still had over her.

Realizing he was already screwing up, Angel backtracked quickly. "Jesus, Buffy."

Searching his pockets, Angel located the phone. "Here. I was going to drop it by but then I figured you would be back for it."

A look of panic crossed her features as her pulse quickened.

"Why would you stop by?"

She didn't even reach for the phone.

Hand still extended, Angel spoke. "Why wouldn't I? It's my house too."

"You moved. You don't live there anymore."

Angel stepped forward and Buffy stepped back. "You threw me out. I didn't move."

Eyes beginning to tear, she fought against letting them fall.

"Just please stay away. You've already left. Just stay away."

Angel shook his head no. "You know I can't do that, Buffy." He stepped forward again. "We're still married. You're my wife."

"No. You don't live there. Just stop. Please. I'm trying to be nice." With those words said, Buffy turned and fled from the restaurant once more before the tears could fall.

He had been so close she could smell his cologne. Her heart dropped in her chest as she ran toward toward the home they once shared.

Staring down at the phone, Angel knew he had taken it too far. He didn't know what was wrong with him. The tiny blonde could bring out both the best and the worst in him. He remembered telling her that she was poison to him and trying to run her off before they could really begin. The next day he had panicked and took back everything. He couldn't let her go then and still couldn't. Turning back to head to the kitchen, Angel knew he would have to approach her eventually, but he'd give her more time.


End file.
